Why does it always come back? Why can't I be better once and for all? How can I feel almost normal for a while and then it manages to creep back into my life...It's not fair... Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? A constant struggle... Why does it have to be me? Will it ever be gone for good? Why won't it stay away if I pray? Everytime I think it's over, but it comes back... worse....... Why isn't this working?

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom; all who follow his precepts have good understanding. To him belongs eternal praise." ~Psalm 111:10

*smile* Isn't it great how someone can make you smile by just walking into the room, or how a few simple words can totally brighten your day :) I think it's so amazing how you can be completely depressed or just not in a good mood at all, and then someone's presence in your life makes everything beautiful... I'm soooooo thankful to the wonderful people in my life who make me smile and laugh. I want them to know how much joy each and every one brings to me :) I love you all!

Why do people make fun of other people just to make themselves feel better? What do they gain by always pushing others down?Are they proud of themselves?Of their life? Why would anyone think that saying nasty things about other people would make them more likeable? Confused about this... Wish it never happened... Why do people talk about others behind their backs,and call them weird, and ugly? Does it make them feel better about their own insecurities to point out others? Do they know how utterly repulsive they make themselves? The worst part is when they hang out in their little groups and sabotage people. When it's only one of them it's easier to deal with, but when a whole pack is after you it's really tough... and yet we are still supposed to love them??? Hard...confusing...

Don't really know what I'm going to write or how I am going to say it... Not that it matters, don't think anyone reads my blog (which is probably a good thing)... mostly just a way to vent, or express myself, or really anything that pops into my mind :) Was thinking alot today about how people always want what they can't have. Especially with guys. Why do girls push aside the guys that adore them, and want the guy they have absolutely no chance with? And why do they let their emotions run away with them when they promise themselves they won't get involved? Thinking about the quote "the heart does things for reason that reason itself does not understand" I guess what I would interpret it to be saying is that we don't always plan to be attracted to someone, (especially when you don't have a chance with them)... You can push you're emotions aside, and try to become "numb" towards them so that you won't suffer any heartbreak. But if you shut yourself off from emotion it only gathers deep inside you, no matter how deep you try to push it... haunting...It's been said that "Love is giving someone the power to break your heart but trusting them not to"... But what if inspite of all you've done to prevent it you find yourself falling for the guy you know won't like you back... What happens then?

More
by Matthew West

Take a look at the mountains
Stretching a mile high
Take a look at the ocean
Far as your eye can see
And think of Me

Take a look at the desert
Do you feel like a grain of sand?
I am with you wherever
Where you go is where I am

And I'm always thinking of you
Take a look around you
I'm spelling it out one by one

(Chorus)
I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more

Just a face in the city
Just a tear on a crowded street
But you are one in a million
And you belong to Me

And I want you to know
That I'm not letting go
Even when you come undone

(Chorus)
I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more
I love you more

Shine for Me
Shine for Me
Shine on, shine on
Shine for Me

(Chorus)
I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow, I'll say it again and again
I love you more

(Chorus)
Than the sun
and the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine, and you shine for me too
I love you, yesterday and today
Through the joy and the pain
I'll say it again and again
I love you more
I love you more

And I see you
And I made you
And I love you more than you can imagine
More than you can fathom
I love you more than the sun
And you shine for me

... I started crying as I listened to this song.
God loves me more than I can ever imagine...
makes everything else seem so unimportant.
It's so beautiful to know that nothing can separate me from His infinite love.

The Raven

by Edgar Allan Poe

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
" 'Tis some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door;
Only this, and nothing more."

Ah, distinctly I remember, it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow, sorrow for the lost Lenore,.
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore,
Nameless here forevermore.

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me---filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating,
" 'Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door,
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door.
This it is, and nothing more."

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
"Sir," said I, "or madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is, I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you." Here I opened wide the door;---
Darkness there, and nothing more.

Deep into the darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortals ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word,
Lenore?, This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word,
"Lenore!" Merely this, and nothing more.

Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping, something louder than before,
"Surely," said I, "surely, that is something at my window lattice.
Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore.
Let my heart be still a moment, and this mystery explore.
" 'Tis the wind, and nothing more."

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately raven, of the saintly days of yore.
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door.
Perched upon a bust of Pallas, just above my chamber door,
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
"Though thy crest be shorn and shaven thou," I said, "art sure no craven,
Ghastly, grim, and ancient raven, wandering from the nightly shore.
Tell me what the lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore."
Quoth the raven, "Nevermore."

Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning, little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door,
Bird or beast upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as "Nevermore."

But the raven, sitting lonely on that placid bust, spoke only
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered; not a feather then he fluttered;
Till I scarcely more than muttered, "Other friends have flown before;
On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before."
Then the bird said, "Nevermore."

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
"Doubtless," said I, "what it utters is its only stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy master, whom unmerciful disaster
Followed fast and followed faster, till his songs one burden bore,---
Till the dirges of his hope that melancholy burden bore
Of "Never---nevermore."

But the raven still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird, and bust and door;
Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore --
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking "Nevermore."

Thus I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl, whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamplight gloated o'er,
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamplight gloating o'er
She shall press, ah, nevermore!

Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by seraphim whose footfalls tinkled on the tufted floor.
"Wretch," I cried, "thy God hath lent thee -- by these angels he hath
Sent thee respite---respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore!
Quaff, O quaff this kind nepenthe, and forget this lost Lenore!"
Quoth the raven, "Nevermore!"

"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil!--prophet still, if bird or devil!
Whether tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate, yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted--
On this home by horror haunted--tell me truly, I implore:
Is there--is there balm in Gilead?--tell me--tell me I implore!"
Quoth the raven, "Nevermore."

"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil--prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that heaven that bends above us--by that God we both adore--
Tell this soul with sorrow laden, if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden, whom the angels name Lenore---
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden, whom the angels name Lenore?
Quoth the raven, "Nevermore."

"Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!" I shrieked, upstarting--
"Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! -- quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!"
Quoth the raven, "Nevermore."

And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming.
And the lamplight o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted---nevermore!


Found the picture of the "nevermore Tshirt" at http://shirt.woot.com/Derby/Entry.aspx?id=12159

The Road Not Taken Robert Frost
TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;	5
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,	10
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.	15
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.	20

I have no good reason to be depressed, God is good and I am blessed :)

I hate going to Maple. Hate it hate it hate it... don't have any friends there, the building is cold, and the boys all tell rude, offensive jokes, and say stupid things... makes me want to cry when I go there, just get a feeling of dread... don't know how to deal with this, I'll keep praying...

Wow! What a day... working as a nanny for triplets can be pretty hard sometimes, can't imagine doing it full time. Although working with these kids has definitely raised my appreciation for mothers. Since it's been super cold outside lately we haven't been able to play outside, and we're all cooped up in the house -sometimes a little challenging for high energy kids ;) This morning we all got to watch it snow through window, adorable how it completely captivated their interest. After that all they could talk about was "Is it almost Christmas time?" "I saw saw it snow so that means it's Christmas right?" We decided to make little construction paper Christmas Trees and cut out little foam ornaments to go on them. Interesting to watch them each individualize the little masterpieces each adding their favorite colors and personal touch. The boys took off after finishing their trees, but Olivia being the only girl likes to follow me around and be my little helper:)
Whatever I'm doing cooking, cleaning, laundry, she tags along and tries to help, so cute. Although I usually refold the laundry after she leaves it's great that she's so eager to be of help. When I get her ready for school we like to give her pretty hairdos and experiment by trying different styles every week (usually involving lots of pretty hair bows and "hair prettys" as
Olivia calls them).
The boys are a little more of a challenge, (not really sure how to deal with all that energy). Since there are two of them though, they play together, although that can become a slight hazard as sometimes it evolves into wrestling and kicking. I must admit they are really creative though, and amaze me with the hilarious and clever little inventions they make out of tinkertoys and blocks. Another favorite of theirs is to dress up like superheros and play with their nerf guns, involving jumping off the couch and a vast amount off screaming. Really sweet little boys though, they give me lots of hugs throughout the day :)
It may be hard sometimes to manage them, but I'm really thankful for this job, and thankful to have these precious little people a part of my life...

I love this song... I've struggled with self-image alot, nice to know what God sees me as His beautiful daughter, and that He created me in a unique and special way...

Plain

~Zoegirl

He made you feel plain
When he forgot your name
Well let me tell you something,
I have felt the same.
I know you're in pain
But there'll be another boy along the way and
God he made you beautiful and
There's nothing about you that's plain.

CHORUS
You are jewel you're a treasure
You are one of a kind
And you shine just as bright
As the stars in the sky
You're a rare kind of wonder
Created just right
So keep your head up over the pain
There's nothing about you that's plain

You tell me you're not the type
The kind of girl that they like
And your a little insecure about
How you look in their eyes.
Well fashion will change,
Trends come and go everyday,
But God only made one of you and
There's nothing about you that's plain

CHORUS

See your mind, it is precious
Though your heart may be restless
And your eyes they will see
All that you're meant to be
'Cause your spirit is strong
And your soul carries on
You'll keep your head up over the pain
There's nothing about you that's plain

You know I've had my days,
When I feel out of place....yea
I look at who I am,
Cover what I can ,
I wish it all would change. But...
Take the makeup away
You see the same girl still remains..
She may not feel that beautiful
But there's nothing about her that's plain.

CHORUS

You may have felt plain,
But...God, He knows your name
Let me tell you something, yeah...
There's nothing about you that's plain

----------------
Now playing: ZOEgirl - Plain
via FoxyTunes

Entry II

Let's see what do I need to get done today??? Messy bedroom (better clean that), laundry that needed doingy (uggg is it just me or does the laundry hamper just magically fill itself overnight), homework to do (oh great gotta study for that chem test)... Ahhh my life is getting say to crazy! How am I going to get all this done in the small time gap that my busy life permits?... felt a little overwhelming, made me think of how Martha probably felt when she got a visit from Jesus. She totally freaked and got all caught up in preparing everything instead of taking the time to enjoy God like her sister Mary. Martha spazzed out and got angry at Mary for neglecting all the preparations and work that needed to be accomplished, but Jesus answered her saying "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her" Luke 10:41-42... I have a devotional book that I love "A Young woman after God's own heart" by Elizabeth George, In chapter 1 she talks about how in order to have a good strong relationship and a heart truly devoted to God, we must learn to take a break from our life and really spend some time enjoying God. Our lives are soooo full of things that need to be accomplished, and sometimes we spend too much time focusing on serving and working for God, that we forget that our relationship with God is a two way relationship. It's not merely us serving Him, He really wants you to get to know Him better -He wants to be your best friend:)... Anyways trying to stay on topic, our lives do get busy, but we must remember to take time to "hang out" with God getting to know Him better through His word. Luke 10:39 sets a good example for us saying that Mary"sat at the Lord's feet listening to what He said."... Although there is sooo much to do in such a short time span, we need to train ourselves to relax and hang with our Best Friend :)

Ever felt alone while sitting in a room full of people? Like everyone around you is existing together, but you're inside a bubble cut off from everything around you. It's that feeling where you really need someone to give you a big hug, but no one is there to give you one. And the emptiness only grows bigger as you hug your pillows. Tears don't come out when you cry, they're all trapped inside cutting through your heart like daggers. You can't see them -but you can feel them. Suffocated from the inside out, all you're looking for is an escape from the pain. An escape from your empty loneliness... Wouldn't it be awesome if someone picked you up out of the crumpled heap you're laying in and held you in their arms like a baby telling you that everything is alright, and that you never have to be alone again? That they love you more than anything, and nothing can separate you from their love. That they will never leave you or forsake you, and that you can lie down and sleep in peace because you are safe... God promises to watch over us. "Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matthew 28:20 His love for us is eternal and is far beyond anything we can ever ask or even imagine! He gave up his only Son so that we could be rescued from our sins that we separating us from God, and could live eternally with Him, WOW! Pretty darn amazing... So if you're ever feeling alone and hurting remember we have a Spiritual Daddy who is always with us, loving and caring for us. There's no need to be sad, "Rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, rejoice." Philippians 4:4 "You have turned for me my mourning into dancing..." Psalm 30:11